My Heart Still Sings ON HOLD
by Fic99
Summary: Compatible with my fic 'Hear My Heart Song' but can be read standalone. FrostIron. Loki is depressed and Tony is really worried about him. He suggests sessions with his old friend, Prof X. Angst and emotional h/c WARNING: This fic is about depression and suicidal thoughts; includes self-harm and past torture/abuse [ON HOLD (Major writer's block)]
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:**

 _ **This is for thephoenixandthedragon4ever - who is a constant support ;) and who wanted Loki in therapy with Prof X. I aim to please.**_

 **Obviously, since I'm crossing MCU with X-men, this is AU. (I may end up taking advantage of this fact - but am going to attempt to not get distracted by plot bunnies.)**

 **A big inspo for this fic is "To Speak" by alwaysamusing - which was recommended to me by** **thephoenixandthedragon4ever.**

 **If there're any other fics which have a more-than-passing influence on this fic, then I'll mention them as I go along.**

 **I thing this is gonna end up quite long so... sorry in advance!**

 **WARNING: This entire fic is about depression, suicidal thoughts, and emotional issues. Other warnings will be given if and when needed.**

* * *

"I don't understand," the circles under Loki's eyes betrayed his weariness.

Tony wondered whether his lover had slept at all last night; he knew Loki had still been awake when he himself finally drifted off.

"Babe, you're not... you're not _well_ ," and man, Tony wished he was better at this kind of shit – at the oohy-gooey emotional stuff that other people seemed to find so easy.

"I am not injured," Loki said quietly, "I am not feverish. I am fine."

Except he _wasn't_. Anyone looking at him, slumped in the chair by the fire, eyes haunted, could've told you that. And Tony was scared.

It was noticeable, this decline in Loki's well-being. It had been slow at first, but then the signs that something was _wrong_ had become more and more apparent.

And then, in bed, just a few days ago, Loki had admitted to letting go of the bifrost (which was, apparently, the official name for Asgard's magical rainbow bridge thingummy,) on purpose. He'd admitted that it wasn't the first time he'd tried something like that; that it wasn't the last.

Tony perched himself on the arm of the chair, "No babe," he whispered, "you're not fine. And I don't want to lose you."

Silvery tears cascaded down Loki's face without his permission. He would not allow himself to sob, but couldn't stop the muffled whimpers that fought their way through.

Tony threw his arm around him, pulling the slender body to him. He slid down the arm of the chair and onto the seat with Loki, until both were nestled in the chair's support.

"I'm sorry," Loki muttered, "I'm so sorry."

"For what?" Tony asked; one-part incredulous, one-part heartbroken, "For being sick? Babe, _you have nothing to be sorry for_."

"The Chitauri?" Loki whispered.

Tony winced, "Is a different topic – and one we've been over time and time again. Let bygones be bygones babe."

 _"Why don't you hate me?"_ Loki breathed weakly.

Tony's own eyes were welling now. No, he had to be strong – for Loki.

"Because I don't believe you're evil," Tony told him, honestly, "because I think you deserve another chance, because I think there was more going on – back then – than you let us, or anyone else, know about, and, most importantly – _because I love you."_

Silence for a moment. Tony gripping Loki's supple flesh, as if he could remove the pain by touch alone.

Then, "You wish me to... visit with this man? This healer?"

Tony looked at him, but Loki wouldn't meet his eyes.

"I think it would do you good," Tony started carefully, "to talk to someone outside the tower. And yes, Xavier _is_ a shrink – a healer, for the mind – but, he's also exceptionally smart. It'd be nice for you to have a friend that you can _talk_ to – like, really talk to – who's on your level intellectually."

Loki nodded, "You think he can help?"

Tony nodded, "If anyone can, it's him. But... Loki, he's a... well, he's a telepath."

Loki stiffened beneath Tony's arms, "Tell him," he said, keeping his voice carefully calm, "tell him that _if_ I agree to this, he must not _attempt_ to enter my mind without my permission," he turned slightly to look more fully at Tony, "my magic will respond if he tries to read my mind unannounced. It _will_ kill him. And then... then you really _will_ hate me."

 _"Never,"_ Tony whispered, planting a gentle kiss on Loki's cheek, "but I'll warn Charles. I wouldn't want him getting brain-fried by accident."

Loki nodded, "Thank you."

"And I don't want you to feel _any_ pressure to let him _literally_ into your head – you don't trust easily, and I don't want you doing something so... _personal..._ without being comfortable with it."

"I have not said 'yes' yet, Tony."

"You haven't said 'no' either," the hint of a gentle tease edged Tony's voice.

"I still can," Loki folded his arms, carefully, as if he were made of glass.

Tony sighed gently, "Come on, babe. This is important to me. I think you _need_ this. And," a small smile, time to pull out the ace in the hole, "Charles has a _magnificent_ library – which he has promised will be the venue for _all_ of your meetings. He _also_ suggested he might be open to you borrowing some books."

Loki smiled faintly. Even that worried Tony; only a week or two ago, and Loki would _literally_ have busted through walls for the promise of a good library. Tony'd been right in his amateur assessment: Loki needed help.

"If it is important to you," Loki murmured, "then I will acquiesce."

* * *

"Tony," Bruce's voice snapped him out of his calculations-based zone-out, "coffee."

A mug was shoved into his hands. Good ol' Brucie. Like a mother-hen, only a dude.

"You're worried," Bruce said, between sips of his own beverage, "Loki?"

"Got it in one," Tony shoved away the StarkPad he'd been working on.

"Did you talk to him?"

"Yeah."

Bruce gave him one of those, 'tell me exactly what you broke,' looks, "And?"

"He agreed – well, 'acquiesced.' Though I'm going to have to warn Charlie-boy about trying to push into his brain without warning: turns out magical burglar-alarms don't take prisoners."

Bruce smirked, "Fair enough."

Tony sighed and ran a hand over his eyes, "He's gone back to bed."

"Oh?"

"He couldn't stay awake any longer... and he was trying _so_ hard that it actually hurt to watch him. I don't think he slept much last night."

"Classic symptoms of depression, Tone."

"I know that," he grimaced, "and _you_ know that. I think, deep down, _Loki_ knows that too – but... he sees it as a weakness. And it's breaking my heart."

Bruce took a few calming breaths, "Fucking Asgard," he murmured.

Tony held up his mug, "I'll drink to that."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:**

 **Xavier is understanding, Loki needs a hug, Cap is a bit of a douchebag, Tony is an awesome boyfriend. Enjoy :)**

 **'I'd throw a lifeline every time,' is from a song called Bones by UK band The Editors.**

 **WARNINGS: Self-loathing, depression, anxiety, negative attitudes towards mental health, internalised prejudice, distress, feels**

* * *

"Would you like a beverage? Tea? Coffee?" Professor Xavier asked, trying to draw his companion into some sort of conversation.

The dark-haired figure slouching in the adjacent chair shook his head dolefully. He had only spoken two words – 'good morning' – in the half-hour they had been sitting in the library.

Xavier wished he could sneak just a glimpse into the young man's mind – but he heeded Stark's warning and kept out of the god's brain. It's wise to respect a sorceror.

"Loki," Xavier tried again, leaning forward in his wheelchair, "you honestly _don't_ have to talk to me – as odd as that may sound. I will quite happily sit here and read," he gestured at the low tables and the shelves around them – covered with books, "if that is what _you_ wish me to do. I want you to feel _safe,_ and that you can _trust_ me. If we must spend hours in silence for you to do that, then that is what we will do."

Loki lifted his eyes slightly, teeth sinking lightly into his lower lip, not all that sure of the meaning of the words.

"On the other hand," Xavier continued, "if there's something you _do_ wish to talk about – anything at all, then you _can_ say it to me. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone with only a passing acquaintance, than it is to talk to those closest to us."

Loki's eyelids narrowed, like a cornered wolf.

"But," the Professor added, "you can also talk about things of no consequence," he lightened his voice, trying to seem less threatening, "the weather, sports – not that I know all that much about sports I'm afraid – books, your favourite foods, anything."

Loki shifted a little in his chair.

Xavier had been... surprised... when Loki had entered his library. He'd seen the pictures of the attack on New York (who hadn't?) but had trouble linking _this_ man with the tyrant who had commanded an alien army.

Loki was... well, almost unresponsive. He moved slowly, his eyes were dull, his hair and clothes scruffy and unkempt. He seemed to be observing the world through a glass aquarium – one step removed from the action, everything a little fuzzy and hard to comprehend – and Xavier had immediately understood Tony Stark's concerns. Loki was clearly unwell.

Charles shrugged and picked up a book – he was willing to wait for the Asgardian to come around on his own, and in his own time.

This wasn't _formal_ therapy – Tony had been quite clear that what he wanted was a safe place for Loki to talk, and a possible friend, combined with sufficient knowledge of both psychiatry and Loki's unique situation – and so _this_ was what Charles was trying his best to achieve. Only subtly different from therapy, maybe, but different all the same.

Tony was providing considerable donations to Xavier's school for mutants, as well as mutant-rights causes, in return for Charles' time; this had been Tony's idea, not Charles'.

But, as much as Xavier was _trying_ to keep this informal, he couldn't help but feel that the level of help Loki needed may include medication... or a stay in a residential ward. He was, quite frankly, concerned.

* * *

Loki wanted to talk to the bald man in the wheelchair. He really did. His normally quick tongue felt leaden in his mouth. Besides, why would this man want to hear _anything_ Loki had to say? If Loki spoke to him... well, the fellow would surely tell him to 'man up;' to 'behave less like a maid on her wedding night.' _That's_ what would happen.

There was no need for Loki to speak to the man. The man wasn't _really_ interested in him – who would be?

Tony had probably only sent him here so that he could spend some time alone, _away_ from Loki. Probably so that he could think up an easy and painless way to dump him. He must _hate_ it that Loki stunk up his bed every night; who would _willingly_ sleep next to the _stink_ of a Jotnar?

Loki was being selfish by living with Tony; he knew that. Tony was too good a person to simply throw him out – no matter how much he may resent his prescence. But there was nowhere else for Loki to go – nowhere else that he was _allowed_ to go.

 _Oh Norns, why did he even breathe?_

"Loki?" the man said, calling him out of his spiralling thoughts, "Are you alright?"

He was standing. When had he stood up? He stared down at his hands, clenching and unclenching them.

"Are you alright?" Xavier asked again.

Loki shook his head, "No," he whispered, sinking to the chair again, "No, I am not."

His heart was racing, though his limbs moved slowly as he pulled his trembling hands up to his troubled skull.

"Loki," Xavier said calmly, "you need to steady your breathing. Focus on each breath – with me now. Innnn – outtttttt – innnn – and outttttttt. One more – innnn – and outttttttt. Better?"

Loki nodded, though his head still felt a little swimmy, "I... apologise..." he murmured, highly embarrassed.

"For what?"

Loki looked at him, "For making a spectacle."

"There is no need to apologise for being in distress, Loki."

Loki made an unfathomable grunt, which could've meant anything, and dropped his gaze to his lap.

Charles shrugged, "If you don't wish to talk about it, I'll get back to my book... Have _you_ read much 'Midgardian' literature, Loki?"

Loki looked up again, warily, "Not much," he shrugged, "Tony is not much of a reader, and finds it difficult to recommend books I would enjoy."

"Well, _there's_ a problem we can do something about!"

* * *

"Tony, Loki's outside the tower."

"Well 'good morning' to you too Cap," Tony grumbled, nursing a hot mug of coffee.

Bruce raised his own mug in salutation.

 _"Tony,"_ Steve hissed, "Loki's GPS is showing him in _Westchester_ – did _you_ have something to do with this?"

"Time out!" Tony yelped, "You put a _fucking GPS_ on my _boyfriend?!"_

"You told me he knew!" Bruce yelled out.

Steve turned to Bruce, "No," he said, _"Widow_ told you that he knew," he turned back to Tony, "and it's not _on_ Loki, it's _in_ Loki. Embedded in the base of his skull, actually. He agreed to it, and Bruce implanted it. _You_ may have forgotten it – and taken 'sleeping with the enemy' to a whole new level – but Loki is a _prisoner._ He's in the _custody_ of the Avengers, Tony. Now, why the hell is he in Westchester? He's not supposed to leave the tower."

"Because," Tony grit out, "I don't know what your view on this is _Captain_ , but I will never refuse medical care – even to a _prisoner."_

 _"Medical_ care?" Cap looked unconvinced, "Bruce is a doctor."

Bruce sighed, "Not _that_ kind of doctor, Cap. We arranged for Loki to have therapy sessions with Xavier. Passed it through SHIELD and everything; they wanted to provide their own doctors, but like fuck any SHIELD shrink is getting within a _mile_ of Loki's brain."

Tony nodded, "Any and all SHIELD medical personnel are denied access to both this building and Loki – Brucie excluded, of course. They want to research him, dissect him, do I-don't-know-what-to-him – and they _can't have him."_

Steve shook his head, incredulous, "I can't believe this – if the guy's a lunatic, _why_ are you sleeping with him? And, well, if he's not, then _why_ are you sleeping with him? You've compromised _yourself_ soldier."

Tony stood, striding over to Steve purposefully.

"Tonnnyyyyy..." Bruce warned.

Tony stopped – up close to Steve's face. And goddammit, he didn't care that Cap was (marginally) taller, _he_ was the one who had the high-ground here.

"Damn straight I have," Tony growled. "And I would _compromise_ myself all over again – you could reset the world a million times, and you know what? We'd _still_ end up together. Cos for him, _Cap,"_ he said 'Cap' as if the word were poisonous, "for _him_ – I'd throw a lifeline, every time."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I've been struggling with my own depression this week. I hope reading this chapter helps you as much as writing it helped me.**

 **WARNINGS: depression, implied past abuse and self-harm, the physical affects of depression**

* * *

Loki could see the helicopter from here, slowly growing bigger as it traveled ever closer. The air by the Helipad – out in Xavier's grounds – was a little chill, though it didn't bother him much.

The man next to him was short and gruff – not to mention quite hairy. His whole demeanour spoke of distrust.

But that was alright. He was one of Xavier's people – one of his mutants; Loki didn't mind distrust, if it was meant as protection. Sometimes, distrust was the most powerful weapon you had. He too had learnt that, over the years.

"Yer chopper's here," Logan grunted, pointing at the sky above them.

Loki nodded, "I thank you, Mr Logan," he murmured, "for the escort."

The short fellow turned and looked at him through narrow eyelids, assessing him with every sense he had, sniffing in deeply, as though he could _smell_ Loki. Loki didn't doubt that his own odour was unpleasant; unwashed Jotnar was sure to be foul.

A strange look crept onto the short man's face, making Loki shift uneasily from foot to foot, "Look after yerself bub," Logan grumbled, eyes softening, "yer alright – underneath it all."

"I... I thank you," Loki gave a small bow, "for your words. You are a good man, Mr Logan."

"Hmph," was the only answer.

* * *

"Stay still babe," he heard Tony's voice, soothing him.

He had no intention of moving, though he did not like this... _tube-thing_... that Tony had insisted he lay down in.

Apparently, the Captain of America and the Lady Widow had lied to himself and Dr Banner when they had assured them that Tony knew of the device implanted under his skin. Tony now wished him to lie in this... _scanner_... so that he could learn more of the device.

Tony seemed unhappy. Loki did not know whether it was _he_ who had done something wrong. He decided to keep quiet, and keep still, just as Tony wished.

"That's great babe," Tony's voice again, calm but tired, coming from speakers within the white tube. "Just a few more minutes."

After the time is up, the tray on which he lies retreats from the tube, and Tony and Dr Banner are there to help him up. He tries to cover his modesty from Dr Banner's eyes – he has had to wear a ridiculous thin gown that barely ties up around him. It makes him feel unnervingly bare.

"Ok babe?" Tony asks, but his voice is a little... squeaky? Forced?

"What is wrong?" Loki asks – he hopes it comes out regally, but is afraid that it may be taken as petulent.

"Not sure yet," Banner interrupts, shaking his head, "it's hard to examine a piece of technology that's already _in_ you. Loki, I... I thought Tony had approved both the device itself _and_ its implantation – I would never _dream_ of implanting something like this without him checking out the tech first. I'm... I'm really sorry Loki, honestly. _I_ was the doctor – you were _my_ responsibility. I should've checked things through."

Loki shook his head wearily, "You were not to know," he mumbled, "I do not hold these events against you."

He turns to Tony. And Tony's chest pulls a little at the too-big eyes in the too-thin face.

"I wish to return to our quarters," Loki mutters, running a trembling hand through his matted hair, "I am... _so_ tired, Anthony. So very tired."

Tony touches a soft palm to Loki's face, following up with a tip-toed kiss, "Alright babe," he answers, "you get some rest."

Loki nods but won't meet their eyes. And Tony's chest is pinching again.

* * *

"It's not good, is it?"

"No Brucie," Tony sighs, "It's not – I think there's a little more than a GPS tracker in there. It ain't Stark tech, that's for sure. And somehow I have to figure out either what it does or how to remove it – or both - without knowing the first thing about it. We can't just remove it – for all I know there's a killswitch in there."

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose, breathing deeply, "I'm trying," he said slowly, "very hard not to get _very_ angry right now. I can't _believe_ Cap would trick me like that."

"I can," Tony groaned, flopping down into a chair and picking up his discarded cup of coffee. "He's a _soldier_ Brucie. And he sees Loki as the enemy."

 _"Shit,"_ Brucie snapped, letting out a ragged breath.

Tony forced a smile, "It's not your fault Brucie – and we'll get things sorted out. Somehow, we always do."

* * *

Loki is asleep. Tony sighs, and lies down next to him. He's still fully clothed, and Loki is wearing nothing but a pair of boxers; it's not right, somehow. Loki's so... _vulnerable_ like this.

Tony shucks off his T-shirt and scooches closer to his boyfriend, taking the top-half of the Asgardian's body into his arms. Loki's _out of it._ He doesn't even know Tony's there. Tony can feel Loki's bulk beneath his fingers – all hard and smooth and lean muscle. And thinness. Too much thinness.

Tony knows Loki hasn't been eating much. He's tried to tempt him with his favourites. But Loki feels physically sick when presented with food – as if there's putty jamming his throat, that's what he tells Tony.

There's a lot more _physical_ discomfort with mental illness than people realise; still, Loki tries to eat a little, if only to keep Tony happy. And just that one thing makes Tony realise how much he's _loved_ by Loki – even if Loki finds the words difficult sometimes.

He brushes a hand over Loki's chest, stroking the bare skin beneath him. Loki makes a small pleased noise, and rolls over – further into Tony's arms. And this is it. This is the intimacy that Loki would give to no other person, and Tony values this, even above all the sexual relations they've had (not that those weren't _nice – very_ nice.)

Tony loves Loki; he knows this. He will do _anything_ to keep this oh-so-beautiful, oh-so-fragile, god safe and protected. But he can't get into the Asgardian's head, can't save him from the thoughts wheeling around in there... can't even stop Captain Fucking America and Black Widow from putting more shit into that fragile body... filling him up with pain.

Tony has seen the scars on Loki's body. Tony knows that Loki's been through hell – both from himself and from others who've hurt him. Tony doesn't understand why Barton is instantly forgiven, while Loki is left to stew in the Avengers' disapproval, with no end in sight.

It doesn't seem fair.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: This is a short chapter (sorry!) - but I hope you like it all the same. I _hope_ I managed to strike the right balance of angst, h/c, and hope. I aimed to, anyway.**

 **WARNINGS: discussion of and reference to: abuse/torture, self-harm, self-loathing, internalised racism**

* * *

A slinky figure in a black silk dressing-gown draped himself at the kitchen table. His hair was brushed, his eyes seemed brighter; Tony couldn't hide his grin.

"And how are _we_ today?" Tony asked; Bruce shook his head at both of them – Tony could make _anything_ sound dirty.

"Better," Loki smiled slowly – like he'd forgotten how, and needed to practice, "not so bad, anyway."

"Glad to hear it," Bruce put in gently: and he was glad – call him crazy, but he'd really started to like the Asgardian; and anyone who could make Tony _care_ about _anything_ was... well, they had to be someone real special.

Loki shot a nervous half-smile in Bruce's direction, his eyes cast down at the table, "Thank you," he muttered.

"Remind me to send Charlie Xavier a muffin-basket," Tony said, half-teasing, "only two weeks of sessions, and you're already doing so well," he reached out and grabbed Loki's hand, running his thumb possessively over the back of it.

"For _today,"_ Loki said pointedly, looking at their hands twined together, "please don't forget what I was like _yesterday."_

Bruce didn't know the full details of _yesterday_ – only that Loki had had a bad day.

"Right babe!" Tony announced standing, "I have work to do! Brucie," he turned to the other scientist, "look after my Loki!"

He swept down and kissed Loki in a way that made Bruce more than a little uncomfortable.

Loki shook his head with a soft smile, "Get down to that lab, Stark," he grinned, "before I drag your sorry behind to the bedroom and keep you captive for a week!"

"Tempting, but Pepper will have my ass if I don't get this done. And I've heard you like my ass," Tony wiggled his eyebrows in mock-suggestion.

"Oh God," Bruce sighed, throwing a bagel at Tony's head, "get the hell out!"

Bruce and Loki cleaned up after Tony left. Plates, mugs, cutlery, all were gathered up to be dumped in the sink.

It was as Loki was depositing a bowl into the water, the sleeve of his slik dressing-gown hitching up just a little, that Bruce noticed the scars. He froze. Jagged symbols, like runes. Large, as if they had been carved in huge chunks. Across those, straight lines, apparently self-inflicted.

Loki must've noticed him staring. He tugged down the sleeve sharply.

"A discussion for another time," he murmured, turning away.

"Hey," Bruce said softly, reaching a hand to pat the taller man awkwardly on the shoulder "your business is your business. But if you wanna talk, Loki, there are people here for you – me, Tony, Xavier, even Thor and Clint." Bruce wished he could add Steve and Nat to that list, but knew he couldn't.

Loki turned slightly, back towards Bruce, "I'm not... doing it still. The lines," the fingers of his opposite hand came up to trace the horizontal marks, "were a way of... reclaiming. Reclaiming my own form, my own body, after..." his fingers moved to the runes, touching them lightly. He winced, "after Thanos was done with me."

"Have you spoken to Tony... or Xavier?"

"A little. Perhaps too much. Perhaps not enough."

"Oh, Loki."

Loki broke into a sad smile, "I don't want pity, Dr Banner. I just want... kindness... perhaps friendship, some understanding. If you're willing to entertain a Jotun runt in that respect?"

"'A Jotun runt'? Please stop doing that to yourself – stop turning yourself into a _thing_ instead of a person. It breaks Tony's heart."

Loki's weak smile faltered further, "I am a burden to him, then?"

"What?! No! Loki - why would you say that?! Tony loves you."

Hope sparked into the god's glittering green eyes, "Truly?"

"Truly, Loki. Tony loves you."

"I love him, too," Loki raised a shaky hand through his black locks, and laughed, a little hysterically. "How foolish of me! I've given my heart to a mortal."

Bruce smiled at him kindly, "You want friendship, Loki? Throw some clothes on, we'll go down to the coffee shop on the corner."

"Coffee shop? With me?"

"Sure. It's something friends do – grab a cup of joe and catch up. You can tell me all the gossip – or we can talk about... I don't know, cats or something."

"Cats?"

"Or whatever! Come on Loki, get yourself dressed."


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi guys, sorry it's been so long since my last update. Real life got in the way. Hopefully the long chapter will make up for it.**

 **WARNINGS: references to past abuse/torture, self-harm, self-loathing, depression.**

 **There's also swearing and some smut (because I have a very dirty mind.)**

* * *

"I think you need to put your back into it," Logan growled.

Loki smiled and straightened for a breather, running his arm over his brow to wipe away the sweat. He'd had his doubts when Xavier had asked him to help Logan with sawing up these logs, but he had to admit that he found it rather relaxing... perhaps even enjoyable.

"One moment," Loki assured, dipping his arms into his T-shirt and shucking it over his head, "I do not work well in the heat."

"Heat?" Logan raised a brow, "It's mild out here at best, bub."

"I'm a frost giant."

Logan grinned, "Right. Gotcha. Cool enough to put your back into it now powder puff?"

Loki picked up his end of the saw, "Let's see, shall we?"

* * *

"I didn't think he'd be so into it."

"Indeed," Xavier answered, looking out at where the two men were sawing logs in the evening light, "one of my better ideas I think, Mr Stark."

"Kudos to you Charlie boy," a raised glass of lemonade (Tony would've preferred something stronger but meh, he didn't want to be rude,) "and I've told you before, call me Tony."

"Very well, Tony, I think 'kudos' are required for you also."

"Always. But why do you say so?"

"I'm something of a genius myself Mr Stark – _Tony –_ and I know when someone is setting me up to be his boyfriend's father figure."

Tony grinned wide, "I don't know what you mean Charlie."

"Hmm. Well, if you _did_ know what I meant, then hopefully you'd be happy that I've introduced Loki to Logan – I think Logan is... _uniquely..._ suited to act in a sort of older-brother role," Charles paused and raised his hand to stop Tony's interruption, "of course, I _am_ aware that Loki already _has_ a brother. But there is no limit on the amount of siblings one can have Mr... _Tony._ And there is less of a... _history_ \- between Logan and Loki, than there is between Loki and Thor. Logan knows what it is to feel out of control, angry, used. He has experience of being turned into a weapon by others, of doing things that he can never forgive himself for. Logan will be good for Loki, I'm sure of it."

"Kudos again, Xavier," a satisfied nod from Tony, "kudos again."

* * *

"Sit the hell down, bub, you're making me nervous."

"One moment."

Loki continued to scrub the sweat from his pale body with his stripped-off T-shirt. He had to get the Jotnar stench off – he could smell it everywhere. Norns, how could anyone _stand_ to be around him?

"Bub," Logan looked at him through narrowed eyes from where he sat on one of the uncut logs, "all you're doing is rubbing your skin raw. Think your sugar-daddy wants that?"

Loki froze, turning to look more clearly at Logan, "What," he hissed, "is a 'sugar-daddy?'"

Logan laughed, "It's a joke, kid – it's an older guy who pays for everything for the hot young piece of ass they're dating. I didn't mean nuthin' by it. Scout's honour."

Loki gave a half-embarrassed smile, "Alright. As long as it was meant in jest. I can take a joke."

The hand Loki held the T-shirt in had started moving again of its own accord – scraping sweat that was no longer there from off of his torso.

"Kid," Logan's hand came up, gently gripping Loki's wrist, "don't. You're just hurtin' yourself."

The Canadian's rough hands were surprisingly soft and warm. Strong, reassuring.

Loki looked down at his chest, noticing the red marks where he had been rubbing; he turned again to Logan, "Do I smell better now?" he asked, hopefully.

Logan shook his head sadly, "Oh kid," he sighed, "your head's just full of crap, ain't it? You don't smell bad. Stop tryin' to fix a problem that ya don't have."

He moved as if to let go of Loki's wrist, but caught Loki off guard by instead turning it over, looking pointedly at the scarring across his arm, "None o' this is fresh, is it kid?"

A shake of the head was his answer.

"Good. Cos there are plenty of people gonna hurt you in this life – don't do their dirty work for them."

"I... it wasn't all me," eyes on his shoes now, hardly daring to breathe.

Logan looked at the runes, the chunks carved from pale flesh, "Nah," he sighed, "you just been elaboratin' on some sick bastard's handiwork. Tryin' to make sense of a whole heap'a mess. Were they runes to begin with, kid?"

"Yes... some were. They were a spell – carved in - but I altered them. They _protect_ me now. Instead of... Instead of controlling... using..." he breathed heavily, "It's _my_ body... Not his."

"Damn straight kid. But don't wreck it just so's you can spite the fucker. It's no good to you busted."

"I..." shameful tears welling in his eyes; _why must he show weakness at every turn?_

"Kid," the voice was gentle, as was the tug on his arm, "sit down."

Loki complied, sitting down stiffly on the log next to Mr Logan, unsure of what to say or what to feel.

"Kid," Logan said again, "look at me."

Loki turned wet eyes to the mutant.

"Good," Logan smiled, "ain't no need for shame over what's inside you kid. If you gotta cry, ya cry. I known a lotta men in my life – and you're one of the strongest. Hands down."

"You barely know me," Loki murmured.

"That may be true, but I know ya _enough_ ," Logan ran a burly hand through his coarse hair, pushing it back, "and yer a good kid. You just had some fucker put you through hell – when you prob'ly weren't in the best of places t' begin with. Don't let that fucker control you still – you hurt yourself, and he just wins all over again."

"I... I needed to feel... like I _owned_ myself," Loki was looking up at the porch, where he could just make out Tony chatting to Professor X, "like what _I_ did made a difference."

"I ain't judging you kid," Logan smiled sadly, "but there are other ways to feel like your body's your own again."

"It... can I tell you something Mr Logan?"

"Sure bub, ain't nobody here but us chickens."

"Chickens? I don't understand."

Logan smirked, "That means what you say to me stays between us bub."

"Oh. How odd."

"S'pose it is," Logan conceded, "something you need to get off your chest, bub?"

"When... when... _he_ – the one who did this – carved his runes into me... he also cut through my ancestral markings."

Logan looked at him in silence for a moment, "You're gonna need to explain a little more kid."

"The Jotun – the frost giants – are born with ancestral lines – markings – on their skin. It's inherited – much like eye or hair colour in other species. They are only visible in my Jotnar form. _He..._ cut through them," Loki took a deep, shuddering, breath. "He modified my body without my permission. Changed an integral part of me that I had only just discovered I had. Perhaps... perhaps I would have managed his... other... violations, and not broken so easily, if he hadn't done so."

Logan pulled him into a manly bear-hug, "Bullshit," he said, "people like that – they always get what they want. You couldn't have done anything different bub. _This wasn't your fault."_

"Tell that to Steven Rogers," Loki huffed, pulling away slightly.

 _"Cap's_ giving you trouble?" Logan's eyebrows raised. "Steve's a good guy, but I wish I'd taken that stick from up his butt when I had the chance... although, it's pretty far up – might've needed an expedition to find it."

Loki looked at him solemnly, "I have no idea what you're talking about," he said, and then grinned, ever so slightly.

Logan pulled him into another strong bear-hug – enough to pull him off his feet, "I mean it," he told Loki again, "none of this was your fault."

* * *

 _ **Several Months Ago**_

 _OK, so the tension Tony'd thought was between them... that wasn't all in his head after all. And now... well now his cock was buried in a Norse god's ass._

 _Loki rocked his hips back-and-forth, back into Tony, quickening their pace and making the most_ delicious _noises beneath him._

 _And oh man, it was as damned good as Tony'd thought it would be! The flex of Loki's muscles, the way his ass was that perfect mix of taut and yielding – the curve of his cheeks, the gentle, warm, resistance to Tony's cock when he'd first pushed in..._

 _"Oh man," and was that Tony's own voice talking? "Ohhhh..."_

 _Loki was moaning lusciously beneath him, and it was only spurring him on, "Ohhh... That's right Loki, take it!" he was going to be embarassed by the dirty-talk in the morning, but right now he didn't care; his thrusts became more urgent, harder, "Take it! Feel my cock – you want it?! You want it all?! Ohhh yeah... Oh-Ohhhhhmanohmanoh - Ohhhhhhhhhhh – YESS!"_

 _He was dozing when Loki got up. The movement woke him._

 _"Where you going beautiful?" he murmured, looking at where Loki perched half-off the side of the bed._

 _"You were done. So I was leaving."_

 _Tony sat up, "Wait – what?!"_

 _"Worry not Stark. I will not leave the tower. I know that I am in custody here."_

 _"No – I meant why are you leaving my room? I kind of figured you'd want your own... release... or, if you were good – hell, I dunno, maybe you shot your load while I was pounding you, I got a bit fuzzy at the end there – I figured you would wanna clean up... cuddle... maybe sleep a little...?"_

 _There was silence. There were green eyes that seemed to be staring at something else entirely._

 _"Loki?" Tony asked, "You're scaring me a bit. Say something would you?"_

 _"I... did not think you would want more than... my services for the evening."_

 _"Your-? Wait, you thought I'd fuck you and want you_ gone? _Man, I know I've got a reputation but..."_

 _Was he serious? He'd thought Tony wanted... what? A fuck-buddy? Payment for staying in the tower? What the hell was Loki thinking right now?_

 _Oh God... had Loki even_ wanted _this? Or did he just think he_ owed _it to Tony? Tony felt nauseous at the thought. He'd figured they both wanted this – it had been so..._ passionate. _But what if it had only felt like that because he had wanted it to?_

 _"It's... it's nought to do with your reputation Man of Iron. I just..." Loki looked down at his delicate hands – hands which Tony had held above the god's head just a short while ago, "I thought you would find my prescence unpleasant. You have been satiated, after all."_

 _"Why would you think that?"_

 _"Why would I not?"_

 _"Please," Tony sighed, "just get your ass back in bed while I get you a towel? Is that ok? I don't want you leaving all messy."_

 _Loki sighed and nodded._

 _Tony looked at him – really_ looked _at him. Man, this guy was beautiful! So beautiful Tony couldn't quite believe he'd just been balls-deep inside him._

 _"Listen..." Tony started._

 _Loki looked up and Tony's words got stuck about half-way up his throat._

 _"I take it you are regretting your decision to bed me, Man of Iron? Do not worry, I don't blame you. It was cruel of me to take advantage of your lapse in judgement to my own ends. It's just..." he sighed heavily, "I could not resist my desire for you... to_ feel _your length inside of me..." Loki's eyes fluttered closed, "It was worth it. No matter what you think of me now."_

 _Loki's eyes opened again, looking guraded, more cruel, "Of course, now you may brag to your heart's content about the way the God of Mischief – the Mighty Loki of Asgard – writhed like a common_ whore _beneath you. What a conquest! A veritable coup! The hated Loki being taken by your length. Yes," he moved to get up again, "you will dine out for the rest of your_ pathetic _life on the tale, I can see it now..."_

 _His words were broken off by Tony's lips on his._

 _"No," Tony breathed as he pulled away, "I would_ never _think of you as just some 'conquest.'"_

 _He moved in to kiss Loki again._

 _Tony Stark was no fool. He'd used Loki's tactics himself on more than one occasion: hurt the other person before_ they _get the chance to hurt_ you. _It's less painful that way._

 _But he wasn't going to let Loki push him away. And he was gonna do his damnedest to_ never _hurt this man._

 _They kissed for... well it felt like forever. Then Tony cleaned them both up, and settled himself on Loki's chest. Loki, unsure and tense, slowly relaxed as Tony ran his fingers over the God's skin – over the scars that Loki seemed to have up his arms. He didn't ask about them. Loki was skittish enough as it was – he couldn't afford to say something that might ruin this before it had even begun. Neither of them spoke a word._

 _Tony woke in the morning to find himself resting on the chest of a beautiful, gently snoring, Norse god._

 _He ran his fingers over the scars on Loki's arms, and swore to himself that the God would never feel such pain again – not while Tony was around, anyway._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Sorry for how long it's been. So much life-stuff going on! Quite a short chapter, but I felt like I had to get _something_ posted. Hope you like :)**

* * *

"OK, so what? It's not like he didn't know we were a couple."

Loki nibbled on a finger-nail and glared back at him, "He already didn't like me, Tony, what will he think now?"

"I don't care what he thinks," Tony put his hands resolutely on Loki's hips, drawing him back in, "we're two consenting adults – and it was just a freaking kiss! It's not like he walked in on us butt-naked!"

"Still... it makes it more _real_ doesn't it? As far as your Captain is concerned?"

"You mean before this he was living in la-la land and pretending we just liked to _call_ each other boyfriends without, y'know, all the kissing and fucking?"

Loki rolled his eyes. And goddammit if it wasn't the best thing Tony had seen in weeks. That spark that meant Loki was still _Loki_ – underneath all the shit that kept cramming its way into his brain.

"Eloquently put," Loki smirked, "Mr Logan couldn't have said it better."

Tony grunted, wondering for the umpteenth time whether he should be concerned about Loki being so close to The Wolverine. Yeah, maybe it was a touch of jealousy – though he knew neither Logan or Loki thought about each other _that way_. Tony was a possessive kind of guy – he didn't like other macho-guys touching his stuff – particularly when it was _hot_ stuff.

But it was also... worry, he supposed, for Loki's fragile mental state. Logan wasn't known as a particularly subtle kind of guy. And Loki's stability was feather-light.

Still, they had Charlie Xavier watching over them – he'd stop any problems before they happened, with any luck. Luck... man did they need some of that.

"Tony? My love?"

"Sorry Lokes, I kind of spaced out there for a moment or two. I was thinking about everything, y'know?"

Loki's face fell, becoming blank and unreadable, "You were worrying."

"Hey – no rain on this parade!" Tony grabbed him and pulled him down for a deep kiss. He pulled back a little, panting, "Loki, you are the best fucking thing in my life, ever, and the best thing in my life that I've ever fucked. Do _not_ let my shitty relationship skills make you feel bad. Ever."

Loki's smile curled it's way back onto his face, "As you wish, my love," he replied.

"So what's the plan to deal with Captain Formerly-oblivious?" Tony asked, pulling them both onto the bed and drawing Loki in to his side, "How would you like me to play this?"

Loki shrugged, the smile disappearing as fast as it appeared, "He's _your_ Captain. It's up to you."

"Now, you say that, but I think it's cos you don't want to open up about how this shit is making you feel. And while that may be OK in front of the rest of the mortals, immortals, and those in between, it's just you and me here. Spill, honey-pie."

Loki sighed and kissed Tony's nose. Which Tony refused to think of as adorable.

"I don't know," he admitted, "give me some time, Stark, to... think about things... _process_ is what Charles would call it, I believe."

Tony nodded, "If you need processing time babe, you fucking take it. No questions asked sweet-cheeks."

Loki scowled at the 'sweet-cheeks' remark, but there was a light in his eyes that told Tony he was loving the attention. Trust Tony to fall for a guy who was as much an attention-whore as he was. Granted, Tony had never invaded a planet... but he figured gods did everything on a bigger scale (dirty puns most definitely present in Tony's mind,) and that included pleas for attention and breakdowns.

After whatever the hell Loki'd been put through, and Tony got a nauseous feeling just thinking about some of the things Loki had _eventually_ (after much prodding in the few months he'd been seeing Xavier,) confided in him, he was willing to forgive the guy almost anything.

And Tony knew that he still didn't have the _full_ story about everything Thanos had done. Loki still held on to details as if it was safer to leave them locked in his head. It wasn't; they just ate away at him in there.

Tony was brought back from his mental wanderings abruptly when he realised that Loki's hand had freed his cock, and was stroking in a way that was totally and utterly _sinful..._ and he totally did not mind the interruption.

Tony dipped towards Loki for a long kiss, then pulled back a little, "I thought you needed processing time?"

"Well... I process best when my mind is focused on other things. Or so Charles tells me. But let's not talk about that... I don't want to think about Charles or your Captain, or Thor, or anybody else, as you bed me. This is about _us_ my love. And I don't intend the experience to be shared by anyone but you," a kiss as Loki pulled Tony's shirt off, "and me."

"I'm down with that," Tony breathed, sliding his hand down the back of Loki's pants and gently squeezing that perfect ass. _His, all his._

If Loki needed to feel loved, then Tony was more than happy to be the one to do it.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Less of a delay in updating this time, but a bit of a wait all the same. All I can say is I'll put the chapters up as soon as they're done - there are only 2-3 chapters left to wrap this up anyway.**

 **Oh, and be warned: here be feels! But hopefully there's enough hope to make up for it.**

* * *

"I can't be held responsible for..."

"Like fuck you can't!" Tony spat, giving Captain Spangles a look which he wished could kill – or at least do some permanent damage, _"I can't fucking find him Cap! And you have a fucking chip in his head to tell you where he is. So WHERE. IS. MY. BOYFRIEND?!"_

"Oh, so _now_ you think the chip was a good id-"

Maybe it was the element of surprise that allowed Tony to pin Steve's self-righteous neck to the wall, but then, maybe he was just _that_ angry right now. Either way, there they were – Stark's fist, Steve's neck.

 _"Tony,"_ Steve croaked, and Tony let him go.

As Steve glared at him, Tony buried his head in his hands, pacing back and fore. He just... he just didn't know what the fuck to do. Where was Loki?

Pulling his stare from Tony, Steve made a call, "Can I get a Loki-check? ...Really? You're sure?" he looked up at Tony, eyes a little wide, "Tone... he's just outside."

"Outside?! Outside where?"

Steve hung up and strode out purposefully, rolling his eyes, "The dumb-ass is literally standing right next to the front door."

* * *

Except when they got to the front door, Loki wasn't standing next to it... he was slumped in the doorway.

Head leaning back, eyes closed, hair a mess... no-one but Tony and Steve even gave him a second glance – he looked like any other rough-sleeper on a New York City morning.

For one heart-rending second Tony'd thought he wasn't breathing, but as he fucking _ran_ to him, he could see Loki's chest moving up and down shallowly.

"Lokes?"

 _"Mmm?"_ the voice was fuzzy, and his eyes kept fluttering open, and then closed again.

"Baby, what happened?"

 _"My head hurts."_

"Can you stand Loki?"

 _"I... I don't know how I got out here."_

"It's ok Lokes," - he slipped an arm under Loki's, pulling the weight of the Asgardian over onto his shoulder - "just," - a pause for Tony to pull him half-way to a standing position – "lean on me baby," - another lurch and they were both standing, "I got you Lokes. I got you."

 _"Tony...?"_

"Yeah babe?"

 _"Why does it hurt?"_

"I don't know babe, but we're gonna figure it out."

* * *

"How are you feeling Loki?" Charles smiled from his bedside.

Tony didn't want Loki missing sessions with Charles – especially since he'd been doing so well lately. So he'd sent a chopper, and had old Charlie boy brought to the tower.

"Tolerable," Loki replied grimly, he did not like having Xavier see him like this – weak, pathetic.

"Logan offered to... what was it now...? Ah, yes, he offered to 'beat the living crap out of that asshole Rogers, or else put a freaking chip in _his_ head, see how _he_ likes it.'"

Loki smiled a little at that, "Thank Logan for his concern, Charles," he said, "but I think that between Tony and the good Captain's conscience, Mr Rogers is feeling the consequences of his actions."

"Though, it would seem, not as much as you."

"Never underestimate the effect of conscience on a good man, Charles... and the other Avengers have decided that he and the Lady Widow will be the ones to tell Thor of the situation," Loki's smile widened – he would always have a soft spot for mischief, after all.

Charles also smiled a little, "That would be something to see," he grinned, "but Loki... how are you feeling... emotionally, I mean? It is not easy for you to trust, and to have your trust broken in the form of that tracking chip...?"

"And then for my own magic to react to the chip like antibodies fighting off a toxin? With all of the negative impact on my health that brings?" Loki spat, "Yes, Charles, I feel just peachy about it – I had to be carried to the med-bay by Tony and the Captain – carried! Like I was some... weak... pathetic..."

Loki stopped talking and stared resolutely at his hands. No, he was not going to make matters worse by resorting to tears. He refused.

"No-one thinks you are weak. Or pathetic," Charles said quietly, "except for you. Do you think that Captain Rogers would place a tracking chip in your head if he didn't consider you a viable threat? He wouldn't waste his time. But you do not have to make people fear you to gain respect, Loki. I have immense respect for you – not because I fear your magic, or your cruelty. I respect you because of your strength of character – the darkness you have faced, and lived, the love you feel for Tony. Because you _do_ love him, don't you, Loki?"

Loki took a deep, steadying breath, "More than I thought I would ever love anyone," he said, eyes closed, "he... somehow he understands. That I am broken. And he sees the broken pieces... and he is neither afraid nor disgusted. He loves each piece. He only wishes the breaks had not hurt so much," Loki opened his eyes again, and if Charles thought they were watery, he didn't say anything, "somehow I have found someone who accepts me as I am... and I don't know what I have done to deserve this miracle."

"Have you told him...?"

"Of my time among the Chitauri? Yes, that which I can bear to voice. I... feel selfish, when I tell him; as if I'm hurting him just to relieve my own burden. And some of it... I cannot... it's as if to acknowledge it would make it more real..."

"You are aware that you have dissociated yourself from the trauma? Made the experience feel like it happened to someone else, or else did not happen at all, simply by not speaking of it?"

"I... I have told him some of it professor. More than I thought I would ever reveal. Someday, maybe I will speak more... but, I do not wish to break myself into any more pieces. It hurts too much."

Charles smiled, "The very fact that you will admit that much shows your progress, Loki. I am proud of you. Now," he announced, "I will leave you to rest. You will survive this Loki. As you have survived everything. And remember, this time you are not alone – you have friends, a boyfriend... in short, people who care about you. And Tony will tear this world apart before he lets you suffer one moment more than is necessary."

Loki smiled. And this time a tear did escape. But it was a happy one.


End file.
